How to Build a Strong Marriage That Fights to Win
Pastors Kyle and Kara Veach
A Fighting Marriage is a Winning Marriage
Marriage isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about learning how to fight for each other, not with each other. Every couple will face battles, but what determines whether we win or lose isn’t how loud we yell or how long we hold out—it’s what (and Who) our marriage is built on.
In Joshua 14, Caleb shows us what faith over fear looks like in the fight. His confidence wasn’t in his own strength but in God’s proven faithfulness. When it comes to marriage, that same faith can help us stand firm, endure the battles, and come out stronger together.
The Foundation Matters: Faith Over Fear
Before Caleb ever lifted a sword, he settled something deep in his heart: I trust God. He remembered every miracle—the parting of the Red Sea, manna from heaven, water from rocks—and he built his confidence on those memories.
“For my part, I wholeheartedly followed the Lord my God.” — Joshua 14:8
In our marriages, we often want quick fixes for communication, finances, or parenting. But before we can address any of that, we have to decide what our foundation is. A marriage built on fear—fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of not being enough—will eventually crumble. But a marriage built on faith—faith in God’s character and promises—can weather any storm.
When Caleb said, “So give me the hill country” (Joshua 14:12), he wasn’t asking for comfort; he was declaring confidence. He believed that if God had done it before, He could do it again.
The same is true for our marriages. God’s faithfulness in the past is the foundation for our faith in the present.
Remember the Rocks 🪨
Throughout Scripture, rocks were used as reminders of God’s faithfulness. When God parted the Jordan River, the Israelites built an altar of stones so future generations would remember what God had done.
🪨 Rocks mark where God has moved.
🪨 Rocks remind us who our foundation is.
🪨 Rocks help future generations remember His goodness.
In our marriage, we’ve collected our own “rocks”—moments where God showed up when we couldn’t see a way forward. Times He softened our hearts when we were stubborn, provided when we were struggling, or restored when we were hurting.
Every couple needs those reminders. Because when life gets hard and giants stand in front of you, you’ll need something to stand on.
Ask yourself:
Where have you seen God’s faithfulness in your marriage?
What are the “rocks” that remind you He’s done it before and will do it again?
When your marriage is built on that foundation, even the hardest seasons can strengthen, not shatter, your relationship.
1. Fight With a Purpose
Caleb wasn’t content to simply survive—he wanted to win.
“So give me the hill country that the Lord promised me… If the Lord is with me, I will drive them out of the land, just as the Lord said.” — Joshua 14:12
He was 85 years old and still believed there was more land to claim. He didn’t want peace and quiet; he wanted purpose.
Too many marriages aim to survive rather than thrive. We get caught up in routines, schedules, and small annoyances, forgetting that we once stood on an altar and promised to fight for each other—better or worse, sickness or health, good times and bad.
A healthy marriage requires a clear goal: to win together, not against each other.
When fear drives your marriage, you’ll only fight when things feel like they’re falling apart. But when faith drives your marriage, you’ll fight daily to protect connection, growth, and unity.
Winning teams don’t start practicing when the score is 24–19—they prepare long before the pressure hits. The same is true in marriage. Faith over fear means choosing daily to trust God and one another, even before the battle begins.
2. Refuse Comfort
Caleb could have coasted. He had earned his rest. But instead, he said, “I can still travel and fight as well as I could then.” (Joshua 14:11).
Comfort is one of the greatest enemies of connection. It convinces us to stop trying. It whispers that it’s fine to disengage, ignore, or avoid hard conversations.
In marriage, comfort looks like this:
Going to bed angry or separate.
Choosing Netflix over real conversation.
Avoiding prayer together because it feels awkward.
Numbing frustration instead of facing it.
We’ve been there. In year one, one of us would fall asleep mid-argument—and one of us would wake the other back up to keep fighting! (You can guess who was in each role) By year seventeen, we are often both too tired to fight when it gets late, so we’ll resolve and agree to pick it back up in the morning. Remember though, disengaging isn’t the same as peace.
It’s easier to tear down than to build up. Easier to stay silent than to speak truth in love. But the cost of comfort is always greater than the cost of growth.
Ask yourself:
Where have you coasted?
Where has comfort crept in and silenced connection?
Faith refuses to settle for easy. It keeps showing up, even when it would be simpler not to.
3. Take the Hits and Keep Fighting
Winning doesn’t mean coming out of life scratch-free—it means staying in the fight together.
In his final UFC fight, Georges St-Pierre—known to fans as GSP—stepped out of the octagon battered, bloodied, and bruised, yet victorious. He didn’t win because he avoided being hit; he won because he stayed in the fight. His face told the story of perseverance—proof that winning doesn’t always look clean or painless. The marks on his face were reminders that victory often comes with scars.
Caleb had taken hits for eighty-five years. He faced disappointment, delay, and difficulty. But his faith never faded.
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.” — Romans 5:3
Endurance builds character. Character strengthens hope. And hope never disappoints because it’s anchored in God’s love.
We’ve seen this truth play out over and over again. The goal in marriage isn’t to avoid the fire—it’s to come out on the other side together. With scars that tell stories of God’s grace and rocks that remind you He never left.
Scratches become scars. Scars become stories. Stories become testimonies of God’s faithfulness.
That’s what a winning marriage looks like.
Focus on the Rocks, Not the Giants
When the giants of life—stress, finances, parenting, disappointment—try to intimidate you, don’t fix your eyes on the problem. Stand on the rocks of God’s promises.
Caleb’s confidence wasn’t in what he saw ahead of him; it was in what he had already seen God do.
Your fight needs a foundation, and that foundation needs The Rock—Jesus Christ.
As you fight for your marriage, remember:
A winning marriage doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s built on faith, strengthened through trials, and fueled by God’s faithfulness.
If you’re tired of fighting against each other, start fighting for each other.
Look back on what God has done and believe He can do it again.
Reflection
What promises of God do you need to stand on today?
Where have you seen His faithfulness in your marriage or family?
What step of faith do you need to take to start fighting again—with hope, not fear?
Further Resources
“Fighting for Your Marriage” by Focus on the Family
XO Marriage - A website with Christian Marriage Resources and Articles
The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
